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Can a mind be wounded beyond healing? I think the most common response to this would probably be yes. Some people will never, ever, ever pull out of psychosis or dementia or even depression. But that doesn't mean that they are or were beyond healing. It might mean, instead, that we have not reached that level of ability. I believe in the perfectibility of man. The hang ups that people carry around like lead weights have to be assailable. There must be an actual cure for pain.

This is my hope. It should be called selfish.

serving mothafuckas beatdowns with extra thug sauce

Sometimes I think about what I'm really dealing with here. In terms of what I have, physically, and mentally, theoretically. Am I special? Do I differ from the average in such a way as to be remarkable? I still am not convinced. What tangible proof do I have that I've lived this time, what do I have to show for it? My mind always drifts to the negative things, the problems, the weaknesses - so much so at times (like today) that I can't even think of a single good thing about myself. Still, I don't think I have anything to show, that I truly earned for myself.

I think I've come a ways towards treating myself with respect from a few/several years ago. I still can't sit with myself and be content on my own. I am so not into myself that I need other people to pay attention to, to even affirm my existence. By into myself there, I mean into in terms of "liking" or "feeling positively about". The fact that I am writing this shows that I am into myself in the sense of taking the time to reflect on or pay attention to myself as an individual. I'm not really doing this because I want to, though. This feels like a last resort. When I'm down to my last card and I really feel like I have no other outlet or option for expressing myself this is where I go. I don't know why I keep it up for people to see.

Is the reality of the situation that everyone feels this way, at least to some degree? I don't know. But I do know that people in general are self-conscious and susceptible to social pressure. Not everyone though. Some people really are in full ownership of themselves and happy about it. I hope I'll be able to get there some day but for now I'm incomplete, and not free. At times, I have fooled myself into thinking I am. One thing I can take solace in is that no one, no matter how confident and self-actualized really has control. Humans, we all come to our end, and at a certain point are just beyond healing. Our lives can be taken from us any day of the week or month of the year. This can be counted on. Not too much else can be.

Fuck. Just another day. Still no nicotine.