follow up

A mystery is irresistible.

Things or people (from now on, subjects) that are easy to read and relate to are awesome but subjects that are inscrutable are the type that tend to provoke fascination.

Opportunities to learn more about mysterious subjects are usually rare.  Missing such an opportunity makes the desire to learn even more pointed.

Learning about things, stories, is satisfying and there are scholars that will devote their whole lives to analyzing a subject with pieces of information missing, trying to fill in the holes with their own analysis and ideas.  It must be exciting, for example, to try to translate a work in an ancient language, using other languages and translations as tools to work through different pieces of a writing with the goal of eventually developing a full picture.  I imagine such a translation comes along in big jumps with long periods of no progress.

Scientists trying to develop fossil records of a species, figuring out how it may have changed over its history and the forces that motivated the change, have some of the most interesting work I can imagine.  This combines straightforward analysis of hard evidence with theory in a dynamic relationship.  The scientist is forced to work on hunches and assumptions, knowing as they work that they may have to scrap months worth of work if some fact comes into the picture that debases one of their guesses.

In actually dealing with people, though, it's a really different pursuit.

When you want to learn more about someone, to know them better, you have to be patient.  Opportunities to really talk to someone come and go.  If you miss or squander an opportunity it can change the odds of you having an opportunity again in the future.  This is less frustrating if you have only a casual interest in learning more about someone.  But, if the person is really important to you and it is equally important that you get to know them better a missed opportunity can haunt you.

I'm not totally sure where I'm going with this.  I spoke in my last post about challenges - I am thinking about the relationship between a challenge and a mystery.  A challenge can be completely unambiguous and straightforward, just very difficult to rise to.  A mystery leaves you guessing about how to act - you probably don't know how difficult the mystery will be to unravel ultimately or how close you are to doing so at any given time.  Often times with challenges, you have a pretty good idea of how you are progressing in the task of overcoming them.

Being indecisive is more of a handicap in dealing with a mystery.  If you are dealing with a challenge that requires an obvious course of action then there is only work to do, not so much decisions to make.  Like I said before, solving a mystery involves a lot of guess work and assumptions, and if you are indecisive the trait will come out when you have to make a decision based on guesswork and assumptions.

I am thinking that mysteries are a subset of challenges.  They are a type of challenge, in other words.  For me, a mystery is the most difficult challenge of all.  As you might be able to guess, a mystery is also my favorite kind of challenge.

It's all well and good to devote your life to an academic mystery.  I think it's better to devote your life to making the mysterious people you know and care about less mysterious through patience, attention, and persistence.

People are much more than the sum of the things that they create or do.  It's what drives people that I find most interesting, not what they are driven to.  I think this is why I do a lot of the things that I do.

Next post: Superbowl Hijinks.  

a challenge

I love one.

I am trying to understand myself, why I do the things that I do and it is very difficult.

In fact, it seems like everything I lay my hands to is difficult.  It is tempting to think that this is because the universe or the world has something against me but really, I think, it is because I seek out difficult situations to challenge myself.  Things could be easy for me if I wanted them to be.

There are a lot of different jobs that I could do or ways I could occupy myself in lieu of a "job".  I have chosen to work with mentally ill, abused, delinquent teenage boys.  Once a week I have to stay at work for 27 hours.  I can say that the job is in line with what I have studied and that it is interesting (both true) but I don't think these are good answers for why I do it.  It's certainly not for the money. *laughs*  

I have a lot of ambiguous "guilt" that doesn't seem to have a discrete source and I want to punish myself as a result.  I'm trying to figure out where it all comes from in the hope that I can address these sources directly and attempt to remove it instead of jumping through all kinds of fiery hoops to punish myself or in the hope of proving to myself that I am a good/worthwhile person.  First, I think, I need to be able to believe that I am a good person apart from my actions.  I hold myself to the belief that a person is only as good or bad as their actions demonstrate.  But I don't hold anyone else to that.  I think people are good regardless of whether they have done bad things - even lots of bad things.  But if I do the littlest bad thing it serves as a proof to me that -I- am bad.

I am not bad.  I am a good person.  I wish only good things for other people and I always intend to do the right thing.  Sometimes I fail to do the right thing but a lot of the time I am successful.  I can type that but I can't believe it.

A goal of Buddhists is to achieve equanimity, a feeling that all living things are equally valuable and equally worthy of respect and love.  With regards to OTHER living things this is not too hard for me.  But I don't like, and sometimes, hate myself.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to feel about someone else the way I feel about myself.  I want very much to be loved and respected but I don't feel like I deserve it.  Nor do I feel that I deserve the gifts that I have been given in my life.  I wish I really knew why.  Probably a lot of other people wish they knew why, too.

I need to have faith because I need to find this answer.  I need to believe that there is a higher consciousness that loves me because if It does then I should too.  It is disturbing to me that the one person I can't love is the one I know the best.  Maybe that is not so.  Maybe I think I know myself really well but in fact I am oblivious to things about me that are completely obvious to other people.  This is getting too heavy for a blog.  While writing stuff down helps me work through it logically, I don't think I should write any more on this subject.  It's quite possible that I shouldn't have written any of this at all.  But this blog is about me.  And this is very important to understanding me.

I promise my next blog will be about something other than my psychology.

redemption

I'm not talking about getting five cents back for an empty bottle or can.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, they say.  I think there is some truth to that, in human interaction as well as in Newtonian Physics.  People are extremely reactive.  Sometimes we are able to see the consequences of our actions before we perform them, sometimes we even take these potential consequences into consideration before we act.  The harder we are acted upon, however, the more likely we are to have a "knee jerk" reaction and thus spin a situation further out of our control.  It seems to me the only times where it is prudent to react immediately, emotionally, and passionately are in bed, in a sport/artistic performance, or in a physical fight where one's physical safety is genuinely in jeopardy.

Having spoken in a painfully general way thus far, let me narrow my focus, after one qualification.  Human beings are capable of reacting in a more than equal way (unlike inanimate objects) because we generate energy.

We collect ammunition against others as we get to know them.  We figure out what their weaknesses are, we learn their secrets, we hear about their painful memories.  If they cross us, we are all too ready to unleash this ammunition on them.

There is always sort of a breaking point in an argument that can be sensed.  A person says something that is ALMOST over the line and the other is tempted to come back harder, meaner, because they know they can and because their feelings are hurt.  This is when an argument becomes a true battle, one where no one walks away clean.  The longer the two parties have known one another the more bloody and deadly the outcome can be.  It takes a lot of discipline to restrain yourself in this kind of situation, especially if there is something that has been bothering you about the person's behavior for a long time.

That is a good way to detect the breaking point in an argument - when it gets off the original topic and becomes more general - more about the other person than the issue.  Here is a conversation I am making up to demonstrate my points.

1"You're eating already."

2"Yeah, I was hungry.  You said you'd be here at eight."

1"You couldn't wait ten minutes?"

2"I'm tired of waiting ten minutes every time."

(general statement, a warning flag)

1"I didn't realize we were on a strict schedule here."

2"Well, we're not, but I'm starting to wonder why you're never here when you say you'll be."

(two general statements in a row by the same person and a personal criticism - breaking point)

Notice in this case that 2 has not asked for an explanation for the lateness, but instead, has gone straight to criticism and then to, essentially, an accusation.  1 can respond to this accusation, turn it around and make it about 2, or try to prevent the conflict entirely (having not yet reacted to the baiting).

1"Ok.  What is this really about?  I can see you're pissed and it's clearly not about me being home at 10 past instead of 8."

2"You were only at work until 6 today.  I called your office.  Where have you been?"

(1 is forced to respond to this direct accusation.)

1"I went out for a drink with a couple of coworkers.  Did you want me to call and let you know?"

2"Well, if you're going to go out without telling me I don't know why you'd expect me to wait for you to start dinner."

1"If you've got something to say to me why don't you just come out and say it?"

(1 opens the door for 2 to make a real, direct accusation.)

2"Who did you go to the bar with?"

(2 again avoids the accusation, forcing 1 to offer information without receiving any.)

1"I was with X, Y, and Z.  If you're mad about me being late, what difference does it make?"

2"You know the answer to that.  And at this point it should be obvious that this isn't about dinner."

(2 references subtext or knowledge that has not been expressed, deepening the accusation without making it.)

1"I'm sick of playing fucking games with you.  Instead of making me guess what the problem is why don't you just come OUT WITH IT?"

(1 finally reacts, raising the stakes and engaging in the argument on 2s level.)

2"You've been spending a lot of time with Y.  That's twice this week already."

1"We work together.  We have a lot to talk about.  I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to see (pronoun) more than once a week.  I don't ask you who you've been spending time with all day."

2"Maybe that's because you don't care."

(1 has the opportunity to defuse the situation by reassuring 2.  But 1 is already angry about being baited this whole time.)

1"This is bullshit.  How you can even say that after all this time is fucking mind-boggling to me.  You're making me fucking sick with all this suspicion."

2"It's not just suspicion.  I know you've been fucking (pronoun)."

(pause.  there is no longer any escape from this argument now that the cards are on the table.)

1"You know what?  Every month it's one person or another you think I'm fucking.  I'm exhausted of this.  If you don't trust me, and you clearly don't, then I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.  You think I'm cheating on you?  I'll give you a good reason to think so.  Enjoy your fucking meal."

(1 walks out.)

In this case, 2 was clearly feeling a lack of attention and love from 1.  1 had an opportunity to offer this, but feeling personally attacked, instead got angry and will probably act out in this anger (dooming the relationship).  There is always an opportunity to defuse an argument, but after the breaking point, people rarely take that opportunity and instead choose to do harm to the other.  It is harder to forgive than to react in turn.

In any conversation, the person starting it wants something from the other.  When emotion gets involved, it becomes VERY difficult to effectively get the something.  Eventually there will be an overreaction.

actually asked to do this

Wearing hats is a behavior that, I think, says some things about people.

First and foremost, hats draw attention, because a person wearing a hat is less common than a person without one in most contexts.  Also, hats often have logos or words on them, and people are motivated to look at these things when they pass by.

At the same time, a hat is a way to hide.  Even for people who look as good or better without a hat, it is covering a lot of your head, and with many kinds of hats it does something to obscure your eyes.  A person wearing a hat is harder to casually engage through eye contact.

As I sort of hinted before, hats often make an explicit statement.  For example, wearing a Boston Red Sox hat says something about a person's interests, background, and personality.  A person wearing an Adidas hat or a Kangol hat is advertising a certain kind of fashion and even, perhaps, culture.  A fedora implies a certain financial security (at least nowadays, I think).  A cowboy hat, well...it certainly screams something.

Let's open this up a little.  Being that "the clothes make the man" or some shit like that, does wearing as many items of clothing (or accessories) as possible reveal as much about your personality as possible in straight physical appearance?  Here, too, excess would be gaudy without a doubt.

I believe, in general, that it is "old school" to wear a hat even though they are still popular today.  Every man used to wear a hat while outside, practically.  It was just a given part of an outfit.

I like to wear hats and it is to a large degree because my hair is failing me, the bastard.

I can never wear hats at work.  It is making me used to not wearing hats, and I am starting to do it more often while not at work.

Hats can be really funny - examples:  hat with straw and two beers on it.  cheese hat.  hats with ears that pull down that look like animals (the one I'm thinking of is a duck and the wings are the ear flaps).  hat with a spinning thing on top of it.  pope hat.

This is not one of my best posts.  I'm a bit faded.  Thanks for reading.

Malden, MA

I spend a lot of time here in Malden.  It's one of those cities that would probably be called a suburb by some, being that there are some solidly middle class homes around and the school system is pretty decent.  However, the "nicer" neighborhoods are bordered by apartment complexes and rail lines and there are plenty of run down tenements that have been turned into crack houses and the like.  It amazes me that people come from places where they never see drugs and drug dealers doing drug dealer shit.  That they have lived such sheltered lives that they don't really even know what, say, cocaine is and the mention of it frightens and creeps them out.  They don't want to know!!  As time passes and drugs become a bigger and bigger part of American culture (due to the prison populations they create, the homes they destroy, and the people they get killed [either directly or indirectly]) it becomes irresponsible, I think, for parents to shelter their children from the reality of them and what goes on around them.

I think for a long time parents believed that making drugs a foreign, scary thing and giving kids as little information about them as possible would keep their kids away.  This shows that they didn't remember what it is like to be young.  Kids like to mess around with the unknown and go on adventures and, finally, defy their parents expectations.

I remember when I was in 5th grade we did the "D.A.R.E." program.  The only thing I remember about it, to be completely honest, is when they showed us this sample display of what all the drugs and related drug paraphernalia looked like (probably retrieved from some evidence locker).  Or maybe they were just really convincing fakes placed in a plastic case.  Or maybe they were unconvincing fakes, I was in fifth grade, I had no idea what I was looking at.  

At any rate, at they end they make you sign a contract saying that you will stay away from the evils of drugs and all that and resist your friends using them as well.  I think it's kind of exploiting kids to make them sign such a contract after you've given them little, and shitty, information about what they're swearing off.  Making a 5th grader commit to anything for life seems kind of unrealistic also.

I don't recall that they talked about how deadly alcohol is in this class.

Anyway.  I'm not sure where I was going with this.  Oh yeah.

Drugs (I'm mostly talking about hard drugs) are deadly and should not be toyed with.  It's a rare person who toys with them and is then able to walk away and learn the lesson without having destroyed their life.  

If, say, you were to meet such a person, you should take their advice.  Some things are not meant to be known or experienced.  Some feelings should not be felt.  The phrase "everything in moderation" should not be applied to some things because some things can not be used moderately.

If you do choose to avoid drugs entirely, a good decision, don't let yourself become self-righteous towards people who did not make the same decision for one reason or another.  Don't treat people who weren't able to make the same decision like they are less than you or not worthy of your attention or respect.  Don't go out of your way to be ignorant to their plight just because you don't share it.  This is not just about drugs.  It's about respect.

And that's it for today.

advice

I don't know what to do about my personal life.

It's something that is very difficult to talk about with friends, especially to get advice on, because my friends (very respectfully) aren't inclined to tell others what to do or how to live.
So I talk to my doctor about it.

He advises me, very strongly, to try to meet new women. I explain to him that while I still feel physically attracted to women I don't know, that I see day to day, I feel uncomfortable approaching them and trying to ask them out. It seems to me that there is no way to do this without seeming like a sleaze (and sometimes I feel that there are no women I know already who are interested in, or capable of, getting involved with me).

I don't want to sound pathetic here, but sometimes I feel very lonely. I haven't even kissed a girl in over six months, and...well...I don't want to go into how long it's been since I've been really intimate with someone. It seems like a lot of people I know are in relationships, meaningful ones, and I wish I was too.

I've been OK alone all this time, I guess, but I think I would be a lot happier if I had someone to share my time with and really care for. I know not having someone is something I can deal with (because I have been) but I certainly don't want to deal with it anymore.
I know in a previous post I said I wasn't ready for a romantic relationship but that was when I was having a huge depressive mood swing. Which happens.

OK. I'm done bitching. I promise, in my next post, I will muse about something or try to talk about something less personal. This is probably getting boring. But please stick with me.

neck

when I wake up in the morning, my neck is so tight i can barely move it from side to side, or up and down. my shoulders are so tight that I can't move my arms fully around without there being cracking noises in my shoulders. I slowly stretch out over the course of the day, but I'm in pain if I look around too quickly until, usually, the early afternoon.

As I get older, I know this is going to cause more permanent problems for me.
My doctor tells me to exercise. Every time he says that I tell him I'm too busy. My work schedule causes me to work long, strange hours and wipes me out entirely when I get off, especially after one of my 12-plus hour shifts over the course of the week.

It seems like my neck and shoulders have been like this for a long time, but I think work has made it worse. I am constantly looking around, performing surveillance on the space to ensure that the kids are safe and not getting themselves into trouble. A lot of the time I am sitting down, so the muscles in my neck and shoulders moving my head around are working proportionally harder than any others.
What makes me tired, of course, is the constant unbroken attention I must pay, both through hearing and vision.

I have the highest admiration for people who ultimately get this job to be second-nature to them. To be able to perform the tasks I describe above and separate their lives and feelings from the horrible stories and conditions that come with our residents. Keeping interactions professional yet still trying to reach enough to help. And among the staff, becoming friends is hard because we can't be honest with each other in front of the mics and cameras.

It's been four and a half months and I view that as something. I am afraid this job is going to ultimately push me further than I want to pushed, though, and makes me wonder whether I want to do a job like this again in the future.

I have been distracting myself during my free time by setting up my new "recording studio" in my room which consists of a mixer, a mic, a guitar, and a brand new macbook. My fingertips are soft as hell and it is forcing me to take getting back into the stringed instrument slowly.

I spent a lot of money over the holiday and I'm broke for the time being. I'm going to have to crawl my way back out. I was getting used to being able to spend money freely. It's not long ago I was taking out $10 from the ATM at a time because it was all I could afford. I don't want to live that way, particularly. I'm going into work tonight. I hope I'll get to sleep shortly after I get out. I could really use it.

this is ridiculous

I think it's time I debunked my last impulsive post.
I was considering deleting it but I figured doing so would be doing myself and whatever handful of readers I have a disservice.

I'm crazy.

On my way to New York this past weekend (via train) I read some of my journal entries and realized how regular my patterns of dysfunctional thought are and how I have repeated the same patterns in my feelings, actions, projections many times. Every time I predicted something or tried to guess at how some situation might resolve itself I was (often tragically) wrong.

I was wrong in my last post also about loving myself. I hesitated about printing it because I didn't really believe it and that seems to be the kind of thing you have to really know, or believe. If I loved myself I would stop smoking and I haven't, despite the fact that I really wanted that to be one of my New Year's resolutions. I suppose it could still be, but it feels hopeless. I don't care about my health and well-being enough to break the addiction. And all the blathering I do about the uniqueness of nicotine among drugs and how it's the greatest battle a drug user could ever fight is a f-ing copout.

To speak more specifically about projections, it occurs to me that whenever I am mad at someone or something I find the anger is really at myself for not being able to interact with the individual or thing or if I'm mad at a situation it's because I'm not equipped to or not able to deal with it.

I restrung my guitar today and I broke two high E strings. I haven't bought a third yet because I figured I'd give myself a little time to chill out. Besides, a 6-string sounds fine without that extra octave tone.

My last post was not bullshit. Love is the most important force in the world as far as I'm concerned and I will walk with it. Romantic love is possible but extremely difficult and I'm not ready to make it happen, not with anyone, not at all.

I'm dissatisfied with this post also. I think this reflects general dissatisfaction instead of any kind of specific problem with what I've written.

I'm going to go drink like the lever-pressing rat I am.