For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, they say. I think there is some truth to that, in human interaction as well as in Newtonian Physics. People are extremely reactive. Sometimes we are able to see the consequences of our actions before we perform them, sometimes we even take these potential consequences into consideration before we act. The harder we are acted upon, however, the more likely we are to have a "knee jerk" reaction and thus spin a situation further out of our control. It seems to me the only times where it is prudent to react immediately, emotionally, and passionately are in bed, in a sport/artistic performance, or in a physical fight where one's physical safety is genuinely in jeopardy.
Having spoken in a painfully general way thus far, let me narrow my focus, after one qualification. Human beings are capable of reacting in a more than equal way (unlike inanimate objects) because we generate energy.
We collect ammunition against others as we get to know them. We figure out what their weaknesses are, we learn their secrets, we hear about their painful memories. If they cross us, we are all too ready to unleash this ammunition on them.
There is always sort of a breaking point in an argument that can be sensed. A person says something that is ALMOST over the line and the other is tempted to come back harder, meaner, because they know they can and because their feelings are hurt. This is when an argument becomes a true battle, one where no one walks away clean. The longer the two parties have known one another the more bloody and deadly the outcome can be. It takes a lot of discipline to restrain yourself in this kind of situation, especially if there is something that has been bothering you about the person's behavior for a long time.
That is a good way to detect the breaking point in an argument - when it gets off the original topic and becomes more general - more about the other person than the issue. Here is a conversation I am making up to demonstrate my points.
1"You're eating already."
2"Yeah, I was hungry. You said you'd be here at eight."
1"You couldn't wait ten minutes?"
2"I'm tired of waiting ten minutes every time."
(general statement, a warning flag)
1"I didn't realize we were on a strict schedule here."
2"Well, we're not, but I'm starting to wonder why you're never here when you say you'll be."
(two general statements in a row by the same person and a personal criticism - breaking point)
Notice in this case that 2 has not asked for an explanation for the lateness, but instead, has gone straight to criticism and then to, essentially, an accusation. 1 can respond to this accusation, turn it around and make it about 2, or try to prevent the conflict entirely (having not yet reacted to the baiting).
1"Ok. What is this really about? I can see you're pissed and it's clearly not about me being home at 10 past instead of 8."
2"You were only at work until 6 today. I called your office. Where have you been?"
(1 is forced to respond to this direct accusation.)
1"I went out for a drink with a couple of coworkers. Did you want me to call and let you know?"
2"Well, if you're going to go out without telling me I don't know why you'd expect me to wait for you to start dinner."
1"If you've got something to say to me why don't you just come out and say it?"
(1 opens the door for 2 to make a real, direct accusation.)
2"Who did you go to the bar with?"
(2 again avoids the accusation, forcing 1 to offer information without receiving any.)
1"I was with X, Y, and Z. If you're mad about me being late, what difference does it make?"
2"You know the answer to that. And at this point it should be obvious that this isn't about dinner."
(2 references subtext or knowledge that has not been expressed, deepening the accusation without making it.)
1"I'm sick of playing fucking games with you. Instead of making me guess what the problem is why don't you just come OUT WITH IT?"
(1 finally reacts, raising the stakes and engaging in the argument on 2s level.)
2"You've been spending a lot of time with Y. That's twice this week already."
1"We work together. We have a lot to talk about. I didn't realize I wasn't allowed to see (pronoun) more than once a week. I don't ask you who you've been spending time with all day."
2"Maybe that's because you don't care."
(1 has the opportunity to defuse the situation by reassuring 2. But 1 is already angry about being baited this whole time.)
1"This is bullshit. How you can even say that after all this time is fucking mind-boggling to me. You're making me fucking sick with all this suspicion."
2"It's not just suspicion. I know you've been fucking (pronoun)."
(pause. there is no longer any escape from this argument now that the cards are on the table.)
1"You know what? Every month it's one person or another you think I'm fucking. I'm exhausted of this. If you don't trust me, and you clearly don't, then I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. You think I'm cheating on you? I'll give you a good reason to think so. Enjoy your fucking meal."
(1 walks out.)
In this case, 2 was clearly feeling a lack of attention and love from 1. 1 had an opportunity to offer this, but feeling personally attacked, instead got angry and will probably act out in this anger (dooming the relationship). There is always an opportunity to defuse an argument, but after the breaking point, people rarely take that opportunity and instead choose to do harm to the other. It is harder to forgive than to react in turn.
In any conversation, the person starting it wants something from the other. When emotion gets involved, it becomes VERY difficult to effectively get the something. Eventually there will be an overreaction.
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