Life has left me with little other than uncertainty. I appreciate my perceptions but I almost never feel that I can trust them and I have a hard time making really important decisions based on them. (I used the word "I" four times in that sentence and twice in this parenthetical.)
I think a person can consider themselves lucky if they can be sure about one or two things in a lifetime.
For almost four years, I have been sure about something.
I've done a lot over the course of that time to dissuade myself of that apparent certainty. I've done, perhaps, more to dissuade the other person who I believe is certain of the same thing. I owe a lot to a lot of people who have helped me improve and build on myself and grow to..... love myself. Not because of anything good or likable about myself but because I am alive and I have the gift of being able to express that life to others. I owe the most to the person who got me to really believe in love as a concept again in the first place.
When I say "love" here, in the last sentence and in this following paragraph, I'm not talking about love like one has for oneself or friends or family or pets or subjects or activities. I am talking about romantic love. I am talking about the same thing that Kierkegaard and the other existentialists who blew my mind were talking about and trying to debunk (or, perhaps, prove). I am talking about the kind of love that seems to defy Charles Darwin's rules of natural selection. I am talking about unconditional and passionate love.
Romance is spit upon, dismissed as archaic, even as misogynistic. Love, being the only word we English speaking people have to express the most intimate connection between two living things, is a cliché. Even speaking about it in this way is probably deeply ironic.
I don't care about all the words that have been attached to 'love' and devalued it as a result. I want to reset the meanings of the words that we have and get people to rethink them. The history of the English language is not acceptable to me while the words are far, far more than acceptable.
If it takes me the rest of my life, I am going to make love mean something to people, most particularly one person.
Love is the green light I have followed my entire life. I want our generation to be able to believe in it as I do. I know that my belief in it will be challenged and perhaps knocked flat. But I am a person of faith and will keep building the belief up, again and again, because I am committed to it.
I will show you how committed I am.
One love.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
so much for anonymity
Pretty sure it's what the Net is all about. The ability to take on a moniker, an alias, a means of being known outside of what your body tells and what your history dictates. I think it even gives us hope that we can change, be someone other than who we know we are.
Through the Net, I found that. By looking so closely at the nothings that are whispered along the way on this community of solitary figures sitting at their glowing boxes I essentially reset my personality. This came at a heavy, heavy price, but I have been able to see (if not entirely recognize) the parts of me that appear immutable and the parts that were possible to erase and replace.
I listen to, and read, words too many times. Giving myself too much of a chance to project my own meanings on things drives me up the wall and back down again - believing that others feel the way I do and are trying to express exactly what I am trying to express. I still don't know if it's so. Everyone has their own perspective, but I'm not certain everyone has their own mind. Those of us who grew up in the same time, particularly, appear to have been shaped very similarly and value the same things. You can't always pursue what you value, though, if your instincts draw you elsewhere or your conscience forces you not to. I know that the conscience has a lot to do with what we value but I think they can still be at odds. Conscience and values.
I remember when I was working construction so many of the other guys warned me aggressively against getting married. This is an example of having to dismiss anecdotal evidence. Though, sadly, the empirical evidence stacks up as well. Divorce is such a ridiculously powerful reality that I'm surprised whenever I hear someone has had the drive to tie together in that way. This is a big difference with our generation compared to our parents. It was pretty much a given in the day unless you couldn't attract a "mate". I don't know. I've become convinced that when you find something (one) that you know in your gut should be close to you it is necessary to take the initiative and hold on. There are forces that separate as well as ones that attract. People fight both of them.
Which fight is more likely to end in victory?
Through the Net, I found that. By looking so closely at the nothings that are whispered along the way on this community of solitary figures sitting at their glowing boxes I essentially reset my personality. This came at a heavy, heavy price, but I have been able to see (if not entirely recognize) the parts of me that appear immutable and the parts that were possible to erase and replace.
I listen to, and read, words too many times. Giving myself too much of a chance to project my own meanings on things drives me up the wall and back down again - believing that others feel the way I do and are trying to express exactly what I am trying to express. I still don't know if it's so. Everyone has their own perspective, but I'm not certain everyone has their own mind. Those of us who grew up in the same time, particularly, appear to have been shaped very similarly and value the same things. You can't always pursue what you value, though, if your instincts draw you elsewhere or your conscience forces you not to. I know that the conscience has a lot to do with what we value but I think they can still be at odds. Conscience and values.
I remember when I was working construction so many of the other guys warned me aggressively against getting married. This is an example of having to dismiss anecdotal evidence. Though, sadly, the empirical evidence stacks up as well. Divorce is such a ridiculously powerful reality that I'm surprised whenever I hear someone has had the drive to tie together in that way. This is a big difference with our generation compared to our parents. It was pretty much a given in the day unless you couldn't attract a "mate". I don't know. I've become convinced that when you find something (one) that you know in your gut should be close to you it is necessary to take the initiative and hold on. There are forces that separate as well as ones that attract. People fight both of them.
Which fight is more likely to end in victory?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
My Christmas
Today is my day to have Christmas with my mom and dad. I am working tomorrow starting at 1, sleeping over at work on Christmas Eve, then working the day until 3:30. It's going to be hard because there has been a big fallout recently (as there usually is around Christmas, apparently) and it will be hard to keep everyone in good spirits. I'm not the merriest guy around so maybe the task shouldn't fall on me to bring that cheer but I will do everything I can to make it happen anyway.
I am going to keep the post short for the above reason.
As far as the New Year goes, I don't know what to do. I get off work on New Year's Eve at 1:30 PM and then have the next 3 days off.
I'd have to be crazy to drive to New York less than half a day before the ball drops, with no place to stay and not enough money to afford a hotel, right?
It's just that I want to start off 2008 right and I don't know how I'll be able to do that without crazy being part of the equation.
I am going to keep the post short for the above reason.
As far as the New Year goes, I don't know what to do. I get off work on New Year's Eve at 1:30 PM and then have the next 3 days off.
I'd have to be crazy to drive to New York less than half a day before the ball drops, with no place to stay and not enough money to afford a hotel, right?
It's just that I want to start off 2008 right and I don't know how I'll be able to do that without crazy being part of the equation.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
All serious and shit
I've been drinking tea a lot more lately (last few weeks). If you put cinnamon in it, it makes it smell more festive and holiday-like. Tea also makes a great gift - in fact, I'd go so far as to say it's a gift that keeps on giving. Gifts that keep on giving are, I think, by definition better than gifts that don't. I wonder if a gift has to be functional, in some widely accepted sense, to be capable of continuously giving. I'm getting far too into my own word play here and so I'm going to take a step back. Done.
A lot of people I know, who don't live with or right near their families, are going home to visit their families at the end of this week. I wonder what it is like for "coming home for the holidays" to be this big dramatic thing, and then being all like "Well, that experience is over. Now I'm going back to my own personal life."
Having things in small quantities makes them more enjoyable. Even things that we like to have tons of, because they are so gratifying, are definitely better in small doses. And having long stretches in between these small doses make them all the more gratifying.
I'm going to relate this to presents. Getting a ton of Christmas presents devalues each individual one, makes it seem less unique and interesting, by comparison to the others. Getting a really sweet single present feels better than getting a handful. It's fun to develop fantasies about how a new present will integrate itself into your daily life. This process begins of course well before the moment of acquisition of the gift.
Here I come to a problem in my train of thought thus far. It is well established that thinking or fantasizing about a present or whatever causes individuals to be ultimately disappointed when they actually have it there in front of them. The anticipation is the best part, etc., etc. What causes this problem?
Is it that the present can never be as good as the receiver hoped it would be?
Is it that the present becoming part of the receiver's life makes it somehow less appealing (exotic)?
I like the possibilities raised by the first of these two questions more.
In thinking about a gift, present, acquisition, whatever you want to call it; a new thing you are receiving into your life, one tends to hope that the object (i hate using this word but i can't think of a substitute) will satisfy some desire, some hunger, some sense that something is missing. The reasons for believing the object will do this can be reasonable, completely unreasonable or even unexplored/inexplicit.
That desire, however, is always there, every day, even after a huge meal or a drinking binge or a shopping spree or a 76 hour marathon sex session. These extreme things may be capable of disorienting and distracting one from the desire very temporarily but the bigger the indulgence, the bigger the feeling of emptiness that follows it. The problem is never with the present. You can and do enjoy the present. It can be and is often as good as you had hoped it would be. But it is our curse to never be satisfied. No matter how many wonderful things we have in our life we can never be satisfied.
Even as I type this above statement I don't really believe it, or perhaps, it is merely that I don't want to believe it. It seems to me that life has persisted due to the FORCE propelling it towards self-advancement and proliferation. If this DRIVING FORCE could be satiated, then it very well might mean the end of the evolutionary branch for whatever species pulled it off.
I deal with my desires by focusing them on things that seem impossible to achieve or acquire or earn.
I think the element of surprise somewhat offsets the disenchantment that comes with receiving something. If you KNOW what you're getting in advance, then it's more likely to be a bit of a letdown to actually have it in your hands. If you're totally blindsided, you haven't worked out all the implications of having it already, it's that feeling of disorientation that comes from overindulgence before you've even indulged. Having "possession" of something and THEN slowly realizing how great it is and how it might enrich your life is a different, mysterious process.
Learning to get what you want
v.
Learning to want what you've got
My philosophies full of holes. Like donuts.
A lot of people I know, who don't live with or right near their families, are going home to visit their families at the end of this week. I wonder what it is like for "coming home for the holidays" to be this big dramatic thing, and then being all like "Well, that experience is over. Now I'm going back to my own personal life."
Having things in small quantities makes them more enjoyable. Even things that we like to have tons of, because they are so gratifying, are definitely better in small doses. And having long stretches in between these small doses make them all the more gratifying.
I'm going to relate this to presents. Getting a ton of Christmas presents devalues each individual one, makes it seem less unique and interesting, by comparison to the others. Getting a really sweet single present feels better than getting a handful. It's fun to develop fantasies about how a new present will integrate itself into your daily life. This process begins of course well before the moment of acquisition of the gift.
Here I come to a problem in my train of thought thus far. It is well established that thinking or fantasizing about a present or whatever causes individuals to be ultimately disappointed when they actually have it there in front of them. The anticipation is the best part, etc., etc. What causes this problem?
Is it that the present can never be as good as the receiver hoped it would be?
Is it that the present becoming part of the receiver's life makes it somehow less appealing (exotic)?
I like the possibilities raised by the first of these two questions more.
In thinking about a gift, present, acquisition, whatever you want to call it; a new thing you are receiving into your life, one tends to hope that the object (i hate using this word but i can't think of a substitute) will satisfy some desire, some hunger, some sense that something is missing. The reasons for believing the object will do this can be reasonable, completely unreasonable or even unexplored/inexplicit.
That desire, however, is always there, every day, even after a huge meal or a drinking binge or a shopping spree or a 76 hour marathon sex session. These extreme things may be capable of disorienting and distracting one from the desire very temporarily but the bigger the indulgence, the bigger the feeling of emptiness that follows it. The problem is never with the present. You can and do enjoy the present. It can be and is often as good as you had hoped it would be. But it is our curse to never be satisfied. No matter how many wonderful things we have in our life we can never be satisfied.
Even as I type this above statement I don't really believe it, or perhaps, it is merely that I don't want to believe it. It seems to me that life has persisted due to the FORCE propelling it towards self-advancement and proliferation. If this DRIVING FORCE could be satiated, then it very well might mean the end of the evolutionary branch for whatever species pulled it off.
I deal with my desires by focusing them on things that seem impossible to achieve or acquire or earn.
I think the element of surprise somewhat offsets the disenchantment that comes with receiving something. If you KNOW what you're getting in advance, then it's more likely to be a bit of a letdown to actually have it in your hands. If you're totally blindsided, you haven't worked out all the implications of having it already, it's that feeling of disorientation that comes from overindulgence before you've even indulged. Having "possession" of something and THEN slowly realizing how great it is and how it might enrich your life is a different, mysterious process.
Learning to get what you want
v.
Learning to want what you've got
My philosophies full of holes. Like donuts.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Not wasting any time.
Today I am going out to buy Christmas presents for the kids at my Cottage - the kids I advocate for and literally watch out for. I know these guys are really excited about their presents, as we all were when we were young, and we knew we were getting them. I am going to try to do well with presents this time. I really don't like the fact that at this time of year, society says "at this time of year, spend large amounts of time and money to give material things to the people you feel owe them to". Should the month before folks celebrate the birth of Christ have such a gigantic economic impact? meh.
The holidays at work is both a difficult and yet somehow positive time. We have 11 guys in the house - about half out of those are capable of and allowed to talk to both of their parents. And for a number of those, talking on the phone is or a couple hour visit is all it will be. A lot of them aren't allowed to see their younger siblings.
It hurts to see this. It hurts to see when parents say they'll show up for a visit and don't, when the kids can't get a hold of any of their family on the phone. When you see people living such sad and lonely lives it forces you to not see them in terms of what criminal and morally repulsive things they have done in the past. We are all human beings. We are all involved the same struggles. We all need the same things. Family should be critical to all of us. In my case, I find my family relationships to be so intense that I can barely support them. I feel so much love for my family that I can't communicate at all how I feel, nor how important they are to me. My inability to communicate love has caused me so much trouble.
I am certain that I am not special in that respect.
I meant to talk about my job but I got caught up in this. Well, I guess I did talk about it a bit, but I have more to say.
The holidays at work is both a difficult and yet somehow positive time. We have 11 guys in the house - about half out of those are capable of and allowed to talk to both of their parents. And for a number of those, talking on the phone is or a couple hour visit is all it will be. A lot of them aren't allowed to see their younger siblings.
It hurts to see this. It hurts to see when parents say they'll show up for a visit and don't, when the kids can't get a hold of any of their family on the phone. When you see people living such sad and lonely lives it forces you to not see them in terms of what criminal and morally repulsive things they have done in the past. We are all human beings. We are all involved the same struggles. We all need the same things. Family should be critical to all of us. In my case, I find my family relationships to be so intense that I can barely support them. I feel so much love for my family that I can't communicate at all how I feel, nor how important they are to me. My inability to communicate love has caused me so much trouble.
I am certain that I am not special in that respect.
I meant to talk about my job but I got caught up in this. Well, I guess I did talk about it a bit, but I have more to say.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
prison?
Greetings Blogspot community.
Let me start off by saying my joining of this service is due to the fact that one of my larger-shouldered friends joined it first and it seems as good a place as any to describe what I go through. (except myspace. i am unsatisfied with said blogging experience) It's up to you to determine whether it is interesting.
Here's an odd thing - when I went to join up and start an account, I was informed that there already WAS one with my email address, naturally surprising. I've run into a number of mysteries that I've let drop. If you explore them all, you'll end up a conspiracy nut trapped in his room for fear of others. *cough*
Let me also say that when I first heard the word blog, or thought I heard it, I interpreted it to mean the act of an orgasmic eruption. Like, "blogging" on someone, as many pornography actors tend to do towards the end of their presentations. I'm not sure this is far from the truth, though I openly admit it to be ridiculous.
For the subject of my first blog, that is to say, the main subject, I bring up the topic of my current residence and my confusion and ambiguity as to what the next step should be for me. I have been shopping for other places in Providence and have found what is fair to say is an incredible apartment at a foolishly low price. It has a pool table and dart board and a built in bar with draft beer and other things that men seem to enjoy. My current job, and my enjoyment of it, makes me want to stay in this area a bit longer. However, Providence and indeed this region of the country is beginning to feel like a prison to me. I have lived here since I was 0 years old and look at me now - 23, living within miles of where I always have. I know there are plenty of people who have this experience, but for someone who is as obsessed with learning and expanding my mind as I am, it seems to be a rather weak, or should I say, un-confident choice.
My feelings about this city are immensely complicated and it is so much a part of me that leaving it would create a void of unspecified size. I am beginning to think this would be a good thing, because I always immediately fill voids with something and I hope/believe I have gotten all? the unhealthy void fillers out of my system and learned from them.
In my next blog, I will speak about the occupation in which I am engaged, and the occupations I would very much like to engage in as a substitute.
As a last button, I drew a picture of Batman last night at work as a part of our superhero themed Christmas decorating activities and it and was immensely satisfying couple of hours.
Read my blog!!!!
Let me start off by saying my joining of this service is due to the fact that one of my larger-shouldered friends joined it first and it seems as good a place as any to describe what I go through. (except myspace. i am unsatisfied with said blogging experience) It's up to you to determine whether it is interesting.
Here's an odd thing - when I went to join up and start an account, I was informed that there already WAS one with my email address, naturally surprising. I've run into a number of mysteries that I've let drop. If you explore them all, you'll end up a conspiracy nut trapped in his room for fear of others. *cough*
Let me also say that when I first heard the word blog, or thought I heard it, I interpreted it to mean the act of an orgasmic eruption. Like, "blogging" on someone, as many pornography actors tend to do towards the end of their presentations. I'm not sure this is far from the truth, though I openly admit it to be ridiculous.
For the subject of my first blog, that is to say, the main subject, I bring up the topic of my current residence and my confusion and ambiguity as to what the next step should be for me. I have been shopping for other places in Providence and have found what is fair to say is an incredible apartment at a foolishly low price. It has a pool table and dart board and a built in bar with draft beer and other things that men seem to enjoy. My current job, and my enjoyment of it, makes me want to stay in this area a bit longer. However, Providence and indeed this region of the country is beginning to feel like a prison to me. I have lived here since I was 0 years old and look at me now - 23, living within miles of where I always have. I know there are plenty of people who have this experience, but for someone who is as obsessed with learning and expanding my mind as I am, it seems to be a rather weak, or should I say, un-confident choice.
My feelings about this city are immensely complicated and it is so much a part of me that leaving it would create a void of unspecified size. I am beginning to think this would be a good thing, because I always immediately fill voids with something and I hope/believe I have gotten all? the unhealthy void fillers out of my system and learned from them.
In my next blog, I will speak about the occupation in which I am engaged, and the occupations I would very much like to engage in as a substitute.
As a last button, I drew a picture of Batman last night at work as a part of our superhero themed Christmas decorating activities and it and was immensely satisfying couple of hours.
Read my blog!!!!
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