this is ridiculous

I think it's time I debunked my last impulsive post.
I was considering deleting it but I figured doing so would be doing myself and whatever handful of readers I have a disservice.

I'm crazy.

On my way to New York this past weekend (via train) I read some of my journal entries and realized how regular my patterns of dysfunctional thought are and how I have repeated the same patterns in my feelings, actions, projections many times. Every time I predicted something or tried to guess at how some situation might resolve itself I was (often tragically) wrong.

I was wrong in my last post also about loving myself. I hesitated about printing it because I didn't really believe it and that seems to be the kind of thing you have to really know, or believe. If I loved myself I would stop smoking and I haven't, despite the fact that I really wanted that to be one of my New Year's resolutions. I suppose it could still be, but it feels hopeless. I don't care about my health and well-being enough to break the addiction. And all the blathering I do about the uniqueness of nicotine among drugs and how it's the greatest battle a drug user could ever fight is a f-ing copout.

To speak more specifically about projections, it occurs to me that whenever I am mad at someone or something I find the anger is really at myself for not being able to interact with the individual or thing or if I'm mad at a situation it's because I'm not equipped to or not able to deal with it.

I restrung my guitar today and I broke two high E strings. I haven't bought a third yet because I figured I'd give myself a little time to chill out. Besides, a 6-string sounds fine without that extra octave tone.

My last post was not bullshit. Love is the most important force in the world as far as I'm concerned and I will walk with it. Romantic love is possible but extremely difficult and I'm not ready to make it happen, not with anyone, not at all.

I'm dissatisfied with this post also. I think this reflects general dissatisfaction instead of any kind of specific problem with what I've written.

I'm going to go drink like the lever-pressing rat I am.