mike damage(d)

I remember why I did this blog in the first place, finally.  I can't express myself in a socially inappropriate way anywhere else.  I have to water down my ideas when expressing them verbally (or, even, nonverbally) to someone directly.  It's not a judgment of the people I am speaking to, I know a lot of people could handle the full brunt of my untamed thoughts.  I mostly just hate to see the look on someone's face when something I've said made them uncomfortable.  Sometimes, though, I love that look.  Usually this is with strangers, when someone has done something impolite for public standards and I make a really strange remark either loudly to myself or to them directly.

Allow me to give an example.

I was in line waiting for a movie with Megan and these people behind us (mostly just one woman) were talking loudly about their financial concerns and the things that bug them about their daily life and giving all kinds of details that I just didn't need to know, personal stuff.  So, I started talking loudly - "Yeah, man.  I LOVE talking about all of my personal problems in public so everyone can hear them.  I mean, who needs a psychiatrist when there are people all around that you can force to listen to your bullshit??" or something to that effect.  I remember a specific too.... she was talking (bitching) about giving her kids money.  Like, a kid asked for 10 bucks, and she says "10 bucks?  I don't even spend that in a day!" and I said loudly and clearly, "bullshit".  Like, how about today?  Just one ticket to the movies is more than 10$.  So, you've already spent your money for today, I guess.

Let me just lay it on the line.

I have nice clothes, and a nice mac computer, a cell phone, a car, I take expensive medication, I went to an expensive college, these are all things that a lot of people would not be able to afford.  but around here, the way I dress and groom myself, people think I'm some rich kid who's loaded with money.  I can't find a fucking job and I've been trying for a long time.  I live on something like 14$ a day, which I get for performing maintenance on my house/yard/etc.  I live with my parents.  My sister has been making our lives very difficult for the last 6 years.  On a cursory inspection, I'm kinda pathetic.  I've got my own problems, not the least of which is my own brain constantly betraying me.  I am sick and fucking tired of people making me feel like my life is easy and theirs is so hard.  FUCK YOU!  One of my personal goals is to make as few assumptions as possible, so, when people make gross assumptions about me it just makes me want to scream.

Breathe.

I don't expect the world to cut me any slack, and I fully expect that all facets of my life will become more difficult and complicated as time goes by, because they have up to this point.  I don't want or deserve special attention or sympathy.  I know that I have to work my ass off for every little thing I get, and that I will never get any recognition for any of it.  That is fine.  I would just appreciate it if the people I run into on a daily basis didn't treat me like I'm a fucking jerk.  Maybe this is part of the place where I live... people always say that folks around here are mean or at least callous to each other.  But fuck, I mean, how hard is it to do something small and nice for someone?

Yesterday, I was putting gas into my car (4$, all I had) but I just got into my car and drove out of the parking lot without even filling up.  I don't know, maybe I was distracted by one of the million thoughts that passes through my head in a given second.  Anyway, I quickly realized what i'd done and headed back, just in time for a person to pull into the pump I was at before me.  I went up to her car and explained the situation, asked if she could use another pump please.  she just mumbled something like "they can switch it to another pump".  I went inside and the guy said "ask the person if they'll move" and I said "I tried to."  She was standing behind me at this point and said "switch it, I'm in a hurry."  Like it'd take more than 15 seconds to move the car to another pump.  So anyway, I go to another pump, there are computer problems switching the money, short and long, I am standing there for like 5 minutes.  The woman who was in too much of a hurry to switch pumps so we could avoid all this shit was over putting air into her tires leisurely and smoking a cigarette and talking on her cell phone.  Yeah, real big hurry.  I wanted to make a comment to her - but she just looked so pathetic.  Wrong side of thirty at least, skinny like a drug user, short short skirt over her gaunt, bony legs.  Teeth all fucked up.

I thought to myself, it might make me feel slightly better for a very short period of time to yell and be an asshole, the way I would have 4 or 5 years ago.  My anger quickly melted into pity.  My guess was this woman was not used to being shown kindness by strangers, and thus had no inspiration to do me a favor.  I got into my car and drove off, shaking my head.

You can't use the kindness of others to fuel your own kindness, otherwise your fuel will be dried up really fucking fast.  It needs to be an internal commitment, to be nice even when people are mean to you.  Just because it's the right thing to do and maybe it'll change someone's day or make them do something nice for someone else.  Every time I want to scream expletives or really insult someone for paying me no mind, I need to remember this.  It's much more satisfying to live your own values than it is to play eye for an eye with people who don't give a shit about you.  Even when you win, you lose.